I Have Lust in My Heart … For Shoes

I mostly take after my dad, but I inherited a few very strong characteristics from my mother:

1) Love of horror films
2) Generosity
3) Love for the Bible
4) Addiction to fashion and shopping

Number 4 is why I am currently on a Shoe Spending Freeze. As in, I am not allowed to buy ANY MORE SHOES right now. If I do, Mark will kill me. (For reals, he’s not fooling around.) My mom used the “I Love Lucy” method of shopping, buying expensive dresses, sneaking them into her closet, wearing them two months later, and telling my dad, “Oh this? I’ve had this for months.”

Watch this little clip from my favorite Friends episode, when Monica buys the boots…

Last night while looking at my Spring VOGUE, I felt that naughty lust in my heart for shoes! Oh shoes…. shooooesssss…. High-heeled, glossy, sexy, cloggy, clunky, chunky, delicate, sexy, sparkly shoesssss…. I love them so. I recently purchased these two pairs from Zulily (pictured below), which was a STEAL! $600 retail for both and I paid $180 total. But I bought a few more pairs after that and … so the spending freeze was cast upon me. Last week I got a box from one of my vendors, and Mark shouted, “DID YOU BUY MORE SHOES?!” I was like, no, calm down, it’s albums, don’t have a stroke. SHEESH.


When I get a Zulily email, I quickly delete it. I had to go to Victoria’s Secret last week and I parked at the closest entrance instead of the upstairs of women’s Macy’s because I didn’t want to be tempted. And when I look through my Sundance catalog, I shove my face into the pages and wail, “WHYYYYY?!?!? WHYYYYY ARE YOU SO EXPENSIVE?!?!” (I don’t know WHY I’ve been labeled a drama queen. I really don’t.)

Every two months or so, I decide I want a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. I salivate at the thought, lusting for those red soles. I go to eBay (where I purchase most of my designer goods), and prowl for about five minutes, then I realize I can’t afford these, even used, and I close the browser. “WHYYYY?!?! WHY ARE YOU SO BEAUTIFUL?! WHY DO YOU HATE ME CHRISTIAN!?!?! I LOVE YOU SO!!!!”

Why do I want those beautiful, hand-crafted, high-heeled, red-soled Louboutins so badly? Why do I want to walk around in them and have women see my red soles and drown in envy?? It’s not healthy! Then last night it hit me… I have lust in my heart for those status symbol shoes because my parents seriously jipped me as a kid. In effect, this, too, is all my parents’ fault.

All the “Cool Girls” in my classes throughout 1st-8th (yeah, same kids for 8 years) had designer clothing. I envied their Guess jeans with the zippers at the bottom (the original “skinny jean”), their perfectly-fit Levi’s (yeah, I didn’t even get Levi’s!), their Esprit shirts, their L.A. Gear tennis shoes with three sets of neon laces! Why? Because I was wearing jeans from Kmart with zippers at the bottom, but one of the zippers broke, so I tried to “peg” the leg and roll them instead. OH THE HUMANITY! I even, on occasion, wore one of my mom’s old outfits from the 70s, and this was NOT COOL in the 80s! There was no such thing as “Retro 70s Style”! And so, in my polyester shirts, Kmart jeans, bad knock-off jean jacket, and irregular generic tennis shoes, I was branded a loser. Sadly, a lot of that branding was labeled by myself, for feeling less than, for feeling left out. And I did get laughed at a lot, especially for that baby blue blouse with gigantic puff sleeves and ruffles down the front.

So now, at age 39, I, for ONCE, long to be the “Cool Girl.” The girl with the shoes and clothes other women envy. But if I buy those shoes it will cost me “1 Husband”. So, I am wearing Free People, Banana Republic, and carrying a Brahmin handbag, all brands I can comfortably afford. I never pay retail, and I scour my favorite consignment store, Crossroads, for Marc Jacobs, Betsy Johnson, JCrew, BCBG, Max Studio, and other mid-to-high end brands I love. In February I purchased a black BCBG dress with a leather bodice on eBay for $60, the tag still on it, retailing at $350. YEAH BABY! I can’t afford that dress retail, but I look and FEEL like the “Cool Girl,” and I love it!

For your viewing pleasure, another hilarious clip from the same Friends episode, which is currently my life:

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Mark Kelly
April 3, 2015

"I am not allowed to buy ANY MORE SHOES right now. If I do, Mark will kill me. (For reals, he’s not fooling around.) " Why else do you think I had the kitchen knives sharpened? Not because they are 30 years dull. Needed something sharp that I would be able to get in between you and that next pair of shoes you want that you would want to buy. OK, OK. I got the knives sharpened because after 30 years, they were glorified butter knives.

April 4, 2015

Love the shoes!

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